Choose your words…

What message are you sending?

I just read a great New York Times Op-Ed piece by Julia Bard. “How to Explain Mansplaining” discusses a phenomenon that many of us are all too familiar with, the “Manologue”. I sat there with a grin because so many faces came to my mind as I read her words.

Think about all of the times you found yourself sitting in a meeting listening to a man ramble on about a topic. In the best case, it was a topic related at least tangentially, to the meeting agenda. In the worst case, he was reiterating something (or everything) already said by someone else. If you were like me you sat there thinking, “Am I the only one that has work to do?”, “Doesn’t he realize someone just said that?” or “I have to be out the door in twenty minutes for daycare pickup, just wrap it up buddy!!”. Often I would decide to forgo a comment just because the meeting just needed to end. “Manologue” she called it. Perfect!

Another part of Ms. Bard’s article that rang true to me was where she said “Women self-censor, edit and apologize for speaking. Men expound”. I am guilty of all three of these things. There is plenty of information both within “How to Explain Mansplaining” and elsewhere to explain why women do this. In thinking about my personal experience I have come up with another reason. We see other women do it, and we repeat the behavior.

To this day I can recall the meetings and hear her voice in my head. She was the most senior woman in my firm and was my first mentor and role model. And make no mistake, she gave me great advice over the years; things I have passed on to others. However, during every single meeting, filled with men (and 30-year-old me), she would preface her comments with “ok, let me ask the big dumb question”. Her questions were often big but never dumb. Most of the time she was trying to pull the room of white-haired guys out of a rabbit hole they had fallen down into. Other times she was trying to drag her direct reports back to the subject at hand. I always thought it odd, but it allowed her to redirect the room to her in a non-threatening, non-aggressive way. So what was the harm?

Fast forward 10 years and there I was sitting in meetings starting my statements with “this may be a stupid question” or “sorry if I missed this but…” Even worse, there were times when I would attribute my idea or statement to another (guy) in the room with something like “Bill, I think you said this earlier” when in fact, he hadn’t. I had learned this deferential and self-deprecating behavior from my first female role model. In all likelihood, she did this to survive as literally the “only woman in the room” during the 70’s and 80’s, but here I was 30+ years later leading a team full of young professionals doing the same thing. It had become a bad habit and was the wrong message for my team.

Even if you are comfortable in your position, trust those sitting around you and are not bothered by those gender politics; think about the women around you who will see your communication style and emulate it. Think about the men in the room who will come to expect it when dealing with other women over the years.

Don’t apologize for speaking. Don’t quickly yield the floor when you are interrupted or wait until everyone else is done talking to speak. Don’t give away your power or your ideas. Teach the next professional generation, both male, and female, what “equal” looks like in words and behavior. #EqualMeansEqual #HeelPower.

How To Explain Mansplaining by Julia Bard